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A Dog's Blog

Because he is hard-core shifty, and sometimes more interesting than me, I have decided that, rather than write an entry, I will merely channel the thoughts of my dog, regarding his day. He is one of three dogs in this house, and by far the most devious.

Dear Journal,

So hot today!!! Made a very difficult choice 'tween sleepin' on the bed with the mother all day, or sleepin' on the floor where it's cooler. I slept on the bed cos the poodle did. I ain't lettin' her have all the attention. Course, I had to get down every now and then, and such a bloody effort.

Plus, I had to have a bath! Ewwww! They're all saying I smell nice, and that I look "shiny". Gonna have a good roll in the dirt tomorrow, when they've all forgot I'm sposed to be clean.

Then, the food-girl came home and made biting remarks that I was dumb to sleep on the bed and be hot. Bitch. She had a point, but. I went and slept in the toilet for a while, on the tiles. Was nice.

The worst was dinner. Bloody hell! That food-girl was so busy watchin' the bloody telly, she forgot dinner, and was half an hour late! No apology or nuffin'! It was rainin' and all, so she feeds me inside. I was thinkin' "Yeah, sucker!". I ate me dinner super quick, so I could go nudge the poodle out of the way and get me other dinner. Thinks she's so clever feedin' me outside and the poodle inside... Am not fat. And it's not stealin'. All food is mine, anyway.

So, I guzzle down the first dinner, and I turn 'round to go snatch the other one from the poodle, and you know what? Bloody food-girl is sittin' there! She was watchin' me eat! Sittin' on a dinin' chair, so she could see me AND the telly! Who does she think she is, watchin' me eat? And then, before I could grab the other dinner, she gives me a stern demand to go back and sit on the mat. What?! I hadn't even done nuffin'. I ain't gonna follow her rules, but I went anyway. Didn't really want the food. It ain't that I do what humans says, or wussy lap-dog stuff like that. 'm a free spirit, Guv. Just thought I'd oblige her, seein' as she is the hand what feeds me.

Then you know what? You won't bloody believe it! The poodle comes back to the mat. Sits down without being told. Bloody suck-up. Then she's starin' at 'em, all like she wants to sit on someone, and I just know she ain't finished that dinner! But they're all watchin' me, so I can't sneak off, like. And then... the old lady spots the little rat dog: eatin' my second dinner!!! Well, it was all I could do not to go rabid. They all shouts at the little rat and tell her off for eatin' my dinner! Justice was served.

Then they finish watchin' telly, and guess what? They all get up and disappear wherever it is they go. 'Cept the bloody food-girl. She just sits there and all. But she gets tired, like she always does. She shuts her eyes and rests on the couch.

So, I get off the mat, don't I? And I sneaks past her, and I just know she's gonna hear me... But they took my collar off for the bath and ha! I sneak past no problem.

And you know what? I ate that other dinner! By the time they catch me, it's all gone.

Apart from the bath, bloody good day.

The bath was probably very traumatic though, I expect. I should note that I have always mentally inserted a cockney voice onto Toby. He's got a loveable Victorian cockney boot black attitude. He'll pick the food out of your pockets with impunity. But he ain't dun nuffink, guv. He ain't dun nuffink.



( 3 comments! — Make Remark! )
Jan. 17th, 2007 11:53 am (UTC)
I think your dog had a more interesting day than I did...
Jan. 19th, 2007 07:47 am (UTC)
LMAO *laughs*. That just made my day that did. The funniest part was it made me wonder about my cat. Strange things is it'd be similar to your dog. Gotta love amanals
Jan. 26th, 2007 02:37 pm (UTC)
hehe, you made me smile.
( 3 comments! — Make Remark! )

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