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Bye Bye Laptop

Dear Computer,

I'm sorry that it has to end this way. You are the first computer I ever owned and nothing can ever take that away from you. I loved you deeply and you've been there for all my literary, school, social and gaming needs. But my love for you does not negate the central tenet of our original contract.

When I bought you (with my own money that I earned in my own job) you promised to meet my computing needs and I promised to look after you properly. I've held up my end of the bargain, so what are you playing at? Lately it seems I've done nothing but take care of you and all your contrary little episodes, and yet I'm getting nothing in return.

I don't like to fire someone with no explanation, so here is a summary of your recent (and sometimes long term) behaviour.

1. Your CD drive has been broken almost since day 1. Nothing should make that much noise unless it is a jet engine.

2. That loose connection in the screen. Sometimes we go months without an issue. Sometimes, you are unusable. Back when you were still in warranty, I took you for repairs several times, only to have you behave perfectly and refuse to show the computer doctors what was wrong with you. You can't get better if you deny you have a problem.
The black outs and those weird little flashy line shows are too frequent for me to take now. And I don't know what you meant last week by turning the image sideways and going black and white, but it wasn't funny. I'm told it's your graphics card, which brings me to...

3. The graphics card, aside from being woefully outdated, appears to be on the verge of death. Why must you constantly skip and freeze when I am trying to play even the tiniest of video files, or sometimes games? It makes it very hard to watch Glee or How I Met Your Mother.

4. Your fan, or rather lack of one, is distressing the whole family. When I left you sitting on the blanket while I went to the bathroom last month... you remember that? Yeah... you almost set the house alight. There was a distinct smell of burning and if dad hadn't been in the room to turn you off, I don't know what would have happened. When Plus One and I have our computers side by side, you burn his hand. Uncool.

5. Since I bought you in 2006, I think your inability to load software made after 1999 is somewhat cheeky. The Sims 3 has been out ages, and you won't even run the old version any more. You just have a fit and freeze or even just randomly blank out your screen and get all huffy.

6. You definitely have some serious memory problems. You seem to flinch at the slightest of tasks. I ask you to open itunes, not perform differential calculus. It shouldn't lead you to freeze and require two resets.

7. One of your USB ports does not work. This is a physical problem, as it has come detached from your body. One of the others is still physically intact but only works on occasion.

8. Maybe you heard me say I was going to replace you soon, but what did you hope to achieve with yesterday's tantrum? Deciding to have a faulty power plug does not change my decision in the slightest. It only makes things easier. After only two days of having to reposition the plug every two seconds, or else check Facebook while Plus One holds it in place have driven me to madness. And the way you go BEEP at the top of your lungs whenever your self-induced battery failure becomes critical is starting to make me twitch.

You could at least have tried to go out with some dignity, instead of being even more badly behaved. It shows a lack of class.

I'm going out on Saturday to get a new laptop. It's the end of the line for you.

I will miss you, but not the faulty screen, the jet engine noise, the skipping graphics, the trial-and-error USB port, the freezing, or the stone age software capabilities. And definitely not the burning smell.

Au revoir,


PS. I may of course, sell you for parts to one of my IT friends. I doubt they'll take most of you.


( 3 comments! — Make Remark! )
Jun. 3rd, 2010 11:43 pm (UTC)



$1249 - 2.4ghz 13" MacBook is teh sex
Jun. 4th, 2010 02:35 am (UTC)
Au revoir, fail laptop!
Jun. 4th, 2010 12:25 pm (UTC)
"When Plus One and I have our computers side by side, you burn his hand. Uncool." XD Jealousy!
( 3 comments! — Make Remark! )

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