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I HATE TWILIGHT!!!

Okay, I'm going to say something now that will make be very unpopular, but it has to be said and I stand by it.

Everybody, repeat after me.

Twilight. Is. Shit.

Reason Number 1.
Edward Cullen is NOT hot. Edward Cullen is boring as batshit. I just want to slap him until I beat some personality into the wanker. I have never wanted to strangle anyone so much (no, not even George Negus). Well, actually, I want to strangle Bella more (see Reason 2). I'm sorry, but brooding a lot and having a dark secret does not make a man sexy. Frankly, it makes him creepy. Imagine this guy hit on you in a bar. If I thought him hot at all, it would be up until the point right after he opens his mouth. Then I would desperately search for a friend to drag me away from this man who has nothing to recommend him and no interesting qualities at all.
But he's a VAMPIRE, that's like, so hot!
No. No it isn't. Bram Stoker is turning in his grave.
This guy is supposed to be passionately in love? When? I never noticed. He says he is, but who hasn't heard that shit from a man? If Edward Cullen ever showed real emotion, he would spontaneously combust from the effort.

Just like he's SUPPOSED TO DO IN THE SUNLIGHT!!!

Reason Number 2.
If there's anyone more annoying than Edward Cullen it's his dumb bitch of a girlfriend. Who the fuck was she cooking a three course meal for when they handed out the self respect?
“Oh Edward, you are so special and wonderful and sparkly that you complete me and I cannot live without you! Please let me subordinate myself entirely and throw away my life and family for you!”
What does this mysterious and apparently oh so wonderful vampire SEE in this dimwit? Forget eternity, a year of being married to that whiny prima-donna and he's going to start leaving stakes lying about in dangerous places.

Reason Number 3.
Is anyone actually aware of the symbolism of vampires? When a male vampire preys on a virgin woman, he is not drinking her blood but metaphorically taking her virginity and taking her forever, because a woman who has lost her virginity can never be any good to another man. He eventually makes her one of his own kind, subjugating her forever and making her subservient to him (a vampire is always subservient to the one who turned them). And let's not forget that biting someone is bloody and violent- this is a sex act and it's a violent one.
When Bella says “Oh Edward, make me a vampire like you!” she is actually saying, “Oh Edward, take away my free will and turn me into a servant- and do it through a violent sexual act!”
Forget the boringness of the characters and the tired cliches of the piece: Twilight is misogynistic crap and it isn't trying to hide it.

Reason Number 4.
Which perhaps should be Reason Number 1.
THIS IS TERRIBLE WRITING! It's just abysmal. The characters have NO depth, the dialogue is unrealistic and sometimes the grammar itself makes you want to cry. I'm not always happy with my own work, but when I think of Twilight, I feel better about myself. I could pull better prose out of my freakin' arse.

There are more reasons, but I think that should suffice for now. I'll doubtless be vilified from all angles, but sorry, that's just how it is. Stefany Meier or whatever Godawful way she spells it is a crap writer and she's perpetuating the idea that woman is subservient to man- and lucky to have him. I want to see the vampire novel where the eternally youthful vampire hero has some interesting or original feature. Being a GOOD vampire is not interesting. Anne Rice, anyone? Buffy? It's BEEN DONE. Dark and mysterious do not a personality make.

Now go ahead and hate me forever, because I'm never buying into the male fantasy disguised as female fantasy that is Twilight.

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Comments

( 11 comments! — Make Remark! )
cornish_pixie87
Dec. 18th, 2008 01:34 pm (UTC)
HEAR HEAR

All well said. Thank god. I'm not the only one who thinks all of that.

I kind of don't mind that Edward sparkles. Just because I think it would be fun to sparkle.

But the rest of it is all true. Cheers.
citizen_cam
Dec. 18th, 2008 06:56 pm (UTC)
Don't hold back, tere. Tell us what you REALLY think.
Also, good point mentioning Buffy. Young girl in inexplicable love with pissweak, character-less vampire? Buffy and Angel anyone? Except that Buffy ain't no wussy "please subjugate me" girl.
Except maybe where Spike is concerned.
falkie
Dec. 18th, 2008 09:24 pm (UTC)
I love you.


I want to print this out, make a billion copies, and stick one in each and every Twilight book we have at the bookstore.

What's even scarier than teenage girls gushing over these books are OLD grandmothers gushing about them. *shudders with the horror*
snowy_gem
Dec. 18th, 2008 10:20 pm (UTC)
I think i described this to a male friend as vampire romance crack.... dont shoot me, ive read the first 2 books. I dont mind them, but it seems there is something in the way shes written them that makes a lot of people go " ohmigod edward!!!!" and get obsessive. And most other people see them as you do. Me?? Ive seen it from both sides lol....

Authors name is spelt weird. *nods*

And the only thing edward has going for him is his supposed good looks. And the fact hes in love with her, and doesnt ever want to leave her, but has to at some point because hes a vampire and wants her blood..... lolz.
Ok so maybe that isnt a good thing either....

Damn you Kayt you making me see the flaws lol.
rilla06
Dec. 19th, 2008 12:22 am (UTC)
*applauds*

THANK YOU.
starlingthefool
Dec. 19th, 2008 01:36 am (UTC)
YES YES JEEZUS YES

My mom gave me a copy of Twilight on the recommendation of some tool at Barnes & Noble a few years ago. I read about twenty pages before I realized I wanted to kill EVERYONE IN THAT NOVEL.

I agree with pretty much everything you've written. Stephany Meyer is a Mormon conservative misogynist TERRIBLE WRITER.

I also had to work at the midnight release party for the last book in that series. Imagine hundreds of teeny boppers shrieking at once.
And it was my birthday.

Bitter? A little. I'm completely entitled to all the hatred I have for that book.
arctic_firefox
Dec. 19th, 2008 04:40 am (UTC)
I've stayed away from Twilight because I heard murmurs about its misogyny, but your rant was so beautiful I'm going to have to borrow it from my library so I can join you in tearing the book to shreds! :D
miska_maz
Dec. 19th, 2008 04:46 am (UTC)
I will agree with arctic firefox there - you make me want to read it just to laugh and put my faith back into the fact humanity is doomed by pop culture!
katiefoolery
Dec. 19th, 2008 07:50 am (UTC)
Seriously, the only way you could possibly enjoy these books is by mocking them. cleolinda wrote some highly amusing and sarcastic commentaries on the series and they're well worth a read.
flippyfrog
Dec. 20th, 2008 12:06 am (UTC)
She's on my list of writers that make me cry. And also make me hope that if they publish that shit they might publish mine.

Also, I think teen girls go crazy over it because they haven't been introduced to Mr Darcy to understand how hot brooding is done or Louis (first book) to really appreciate the fucked up gorgeous hot vampire. Louis rules that roost, he would eat Edward for lunch and then mope over it in his complicated emotional way which would just make him all the more hot.
tim_of_oz
Dec. 20th, 2008 01:37 am (UTC)
I can't say I've read it, but I AGREE SO DAMN MUCH.
Though I thought it was some stupid evangelical morality tale about chastity, I didn't realise it was misogynistic as well.
( 11 comments! — Make Remark! )

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